date: Monday, November 30, 2009 @ 11:51 pm
title: thoughts
some thoughts are meant to be remain as thoughts. mouth trouble.
focus on the goal and work towards it :D need helpline from GOD. ring! ring! :)
amazing 4 weeks ahead. exciting & promising. talk less, pray more, think more.
date: @ 3:44 pm
title: less is more.
what does it mean to be mature?
what does it mean to be focused?
less is more.
cut down everything by 70% equals to everything up by 100%.
date: Wednesday, November 25, 2009 @ 6:01 pm
title: Bomb!!
I always become dumbfounded when people ask me what I want to do when I grow up. I always struggle with wanting to be a pastor and at the same time a businessman. I wanted to be a rich pastor, having the ability to provide for people, care for them, love them unconditionally and make them successful people for God and for people. Because I want to have more of God in my life and share it with the others.
But I never tell people. I told them I want to be a policeman, fireman or even teacher. I was afraid that people will laugh at me. Mock at me. That my abilities won't be enough to be fulfill this dream.
However, today, I read the email pastor wrote back to me. I read like 10 over times. getting every ounce of that email. trying to memorize the phrase and keeping it deep in my heart. I dunno why but it broke something inside of me. so much that it caused such a headache for me now. while doing stuff. I am thinking about the email. the content. the discipleship. the words. the encouragement. the correction. the love. the concern. the care. behind every sentence.
I serve a great God. great pastor. great leaders great church. great cg. great people. great friends.
Nothing else can be compared.
date: Saturday, November 21, 2009 @ 9:11 pm
title: God delivers
I can't fathom how to be myself anymore. I went so far to change every part of me. my thoughts. my life. my passion. my motivation. my reason to even live.
can someone teach me how to be myself? I dun think so.
I'm gonna fast big time. I need to learn to say no, resist the temptation to raise my hands when being asked, "who wants?" Having too much to chew is not such a good idea. know yr place. know yrself.
I really can't wait anymore. I want to fast and break for some miracle - good or bad. to see results. Like what I used to think, if you marry the wrong person and that person hinders your destiny, pray for something to happen to your spouse. good or bad. let God decide. Ruth's husband, according to the bible, was killed mysteriously, so that she will fulfill her destiny.
Oh well. talk so much for what. no point. really. I feel now that there's no point talking. I really need a miracle. I need to fast and pray for multiple to take place in a week's time.
I'm losing confidence in myself and my work. but I know I can trust God. What to do. when all else fails, God will deliver.
If He doesn't. den I will fast more and pray more. He must deliver, by hook or crook. God. Deliver hor. I'm waiting :D
date: Thursday, November 12, 2009 @ 1:37 am
title: Change
Most of the time, life is really dead boring. I ask 10 people, 11 people (including myself) agree with me.
But what to do? Just need to self-generate excitement lor. make small things fun. make small talks interesting. make small people smile. You ask me how's my life been, I tell you its getting more and more challenging. more and more frustrating. more and more pressuring. more and more and more and more and still got more to come.
Solution? Grow your capacity to handle lor. That simple. To grow or not to grow is not the question, the question is whether you want to grow. if you want it, you will have it. That's the Law of wanting & having. What you want is what you attract. And what you dun want is what you will reject.
But now. I got a new vision in life. it is to administrate my growth. to be balance as much as I am able to. to be as stable as I can be. to be as steady as I manage to be. Maybe it is in my blood. I am catalyst manifestation of life. when you input the right amount catalyst, I will have overwhelming reaction and either I exothermic or endothermic. I explode from inside out or implode outside in. either way is bad when it crosses the line of delusion.
Sometimes I feel I have this ongoing disease call "delusion" Pretty scary at times, but I learnt, because of my personality and trained habits. Both clashes and thus resulting in a mental meltdown/shutdown/breakdown. And not because of what, but it is how our brain functions.. I can go a long story how our brain works biologically, thus we are as such.
Yet. I choose not to. because I believe nurture supercedes nature. You might be born naturally, but you are made to be nurture. If everything is ran by natural means, then nurture would be how everything will be expedite. But you have to make the choice to let nurture takes its place and nature to catch up with what is in place.
Otherwise there will be a supernova exploding inside of our mind and with a black hole created. It sucks the air of you, your dreams, passion and vision.
As the Proverb says, "a city without vision will perish" Dun be self-destructive city. change your destiny :D
date: Thursday, November 05, 2009 @ 11:20 pm
title: Lamentation of a Sanguine
Lately, I have been thinking alot and saying very little. Very ironic for a Sanguine yeah?
I came to realization deep inside me is very ambivalence. Something I guess developed over time when I feel talking is pretty useless and bottling up seems to be the way of focusing and getting things done. maybe haven't found someone that I can talk freely, or maybe I have found it but it just didn't turn out the way it should be i guess.
3 months after my dreams and plans were dashed. Every morning seems like there's no point waking up and fight for, but I still wake myself up to a promise and commitment I made. Alot of times, I asked myself. why am I not that rash like a Sanguine, why I choose to deny myself, why I made myself turn against myself, to hate the way I am made... why.
People asked who is yr role model. I said I dunno, not because I dun have, but I dun feel like there's a connection. Like I'm living from a different world, a different make-up that most people dun understand who I am. to know someone is different from understand that someone. or maybe I didn't try to make myself to be understood.
but. i guess. no point. no point talking about it. I dun like to write. but I only write to keep a distance from the reader. but I like to perform, or dance, or sing. something that before I can even do anything I know its not gonna work.
That's why sometimes, i asked myself. u know u re a sanguine but why are u behaving like a melancholic. U re making yr mind to overload and disconnect.
but. i guess. no point. no point talking about it. Just gonna see how long i can last. hope that my body won't rebel again my learnt behavior. I won't take medicine or painkillers to soothe the headaches and heartaches.
Just ignore and get things done. pointless to even give a thought to it.
Change or be changed. I really dun like but I must learn to love.
That's why people thinks that I am mad. to put myself in such environment to keep getting burnt and pressured. But I guess life of a sanguine is like that. no choice. going thru the hard way of life.
induce excitement. induce creativity.
what is sadness? me.
date: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 @ 10:17 pm
title: keeping sane
everyday when i wake up.
I tell myself to stay sane.
no matter what happens.
As the ancient saying:
"But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day."
God. your Word is my panadol.
Having a pretty sustaining headache.
To battle to keep my spirit high. faith high. hopes high. energy high.
even when you feel low, act as though you are high.
letting simple stuff to make huge hype about life.
cos it pretty mundane and tiring as times.
but my eyes are not on the things now, but the things to come.
destiny! here I come!
date: Thursday, September 17, 2009 @ 11:53 pm
title:
I can feel it in my fingers. the season of feeling insecure is coming. mother of all season.
Time to don the helment, the breastplate, the belt, the shoes and pick up the shield & the sword.
Getting ready for the battle. To restrain, constrain & reign!
"HOLD YOUR GROUND! DO NOT FIRE UNTIL I GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL! HOLD!"
The galloping of the dark knight and his minions raced towards the veteran and his army.
"GET READY! HOLD! HOLD! HOLD!"
They entered into the killing zone. Not planning for any to be spared alive, for they are the spawn of defilers.
"NOW! FIRE AT WILL!"
The masters of the bow let loose of their arrows and came the rain of shrapnel with their projectiles.
"FOR GOD & YOUR LOVE ONES. CHARGE!"
The killing zone became the burial ground of the darkness marching against the Lights. They were not given any response time, as it was aimed to make quick kills and dispatching their formation with the surprise attack.
"AH! This is for those who died under your merciless murder. You murderer! eat my steel!"
And the reflection of the metal temporary blinded the killer who were trained to kill, steal & destroy. As the metal met the alloy, it penetrated the thin layer and kissed the flesh under it. Cold-blooded creatures. Sly & cunning. But their devilish plot is nothing compared to what was dedicatedly planned. The only error that can be allowed is only human error, not technical mistake. The room for mistakes dun exist in the minds of the Lights, only mansions of victory and divinity.
Their zealous are seen in their eyes. Bloodshot and tailored to read the movements of their enemies before they strike them down. They charged like bulls on the loose. Not brindle can tame their berserk nature.
And they clashed at the no man's land. And the ground trembled under the explosive impact of the two. The constant pressure from the back, raised the frontal battle into an all-out mixture of swordmanship and art of close combat. It is not the frills that keeps them alive but their preparedness and state of the mind, that keeps the gashing teeth of the weapons away from their delicate body.
The East Wind aided them. The prayers of the musicians came like wild fire and consumed the darkness. They screamed and groaned for mercy, but they will not receive any. For their time have come, for them to pay for the wages of their err commitment.
And the battle was heated up to all time high.
"BREAK FORMATION. LAUNCH HAMMERS!"
The retreat bought time for the medics to pull in the causality. Keeping to the code of the Geneva - all wounded are to be attended in the battlefield. But they didn't state when during the battlefield and it doesn't seem too.
The sky turned red as the blood evaporated in the soaking ground.
I thought of a poetry today on the way home:
O Gardener of Thy Eden.
I will give up the whole forest for Thy tree.
Thy Tree of Life.
Thy Word.
Thy Food to my soul.
O Gardener of Thy Eden.
Thy fruit tastes like honey and dew.
Meltful of Sweetness for my soul.
O Gardener of Thy Eden.
May I pick a barrel of fruit?
May I?
May I?
O Provider of Thy Kingdom.
Filled with myriad of creatures.
Thy love married spirit, soul & body.
Out of the much, came the one alike Thee.
O Thee art beauty to my sight, smell, sound & feel.
I'm Yours.
I'm Yours.
